The Leave-Taking (My Hindustani)

It only took a moment to fully commit to coming to India. Once I had made the decision that I was going to go (rather come), that was it. I might as well have signed a contract in my blood. Although, there were many things that led to that decision. I had to experience truly wanting, that desire to have something so bad that I was willing to push myself, and do what I could to have that one thing. I had that need, that desire, and I took action, then I there was the final step: losing the thing that I longed for, failing to get what I desired. Unlike the decision to go to India, letting go was a long and painful process that I reluctantly went through. I stumbled, and fell apart. I had almost completed the puzzle, but it was thrown across a room, scattered and I was blindly trying to piece it back together.

In searching for the scattered pieces, I found a better way, a better option. I had shelved my dream of travelling, figuring that I wouldn’t have the funds or the chance to do it. I had been working a steady full-time job, and had a load of money.

I remembered a friend of mine from high school going on a study abroad with BYU. I was so envious of her when I looked at her pictures, and wished I could go. But, what was stopping me now? I approached the parental units with the idea, to which my mom replied “I actually had been thinking that same thing! I hadn’t thought of where you should go, but I felt like you should do something like this.”

We looked into it right away. It was only offered for the fall semester, and dammit, I had just missed the application deadline by a few weeks. Rather than wait a year and half, I figured that I would email the contact and ask if there was a late application date. Within 24 hours he replied, asking if I could call him that night.



"Funny you should ask, because as of today the winter semester is officially open."

In India there is a word that you would use to describe this moment: “auspicious.” (I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that word in the last 3 months. It’s EVERYWHERE.)

That was it. That auspicious moment is when I knew I was going to India. It was clear that someone more than me wanted me to go. God was directing me afar.

From what my friend had told me, and from what I had seen in (ashamed as I am to say this) movies like Slumdog Millionaire, I knew that it would be no cake walk. I didn’t care. I wasn’t looking to delight in baked goods. In my application I wrote: “To be honest, I don’t know why I am drawn to India. I know some, but very little about the culture, and the things that fascinate me are seemingly shallow: the beauty through the color, and architecture, despite the poverty that surrounds. From what I understand, there is a spirit there that I am attracted to. I want to have a teaching experience, and learn of other people who lead different lives. It is part of my nature as an artist, and photographer to be the one on the sidelines observing those in their ‘natural habitat’ and draw from it. I believe that India will provide the experience that I crave.”

I had no idea how very true my words were at the time. I only knew one fiber of an ornate Persian rug that is India. And, boy, I would I have a learning experience. A few in fact.

So Kirsten, would you say that your time in India has changed your life?
Damn right it did. But that’s not new. My life is always changing. There are always things happening, things I’m doing, and people I know that are changing my life. I didn’t have to leave to country to do that. No one does. In fact the changes that I needed to make needed to happen before I left. They came as a result of the loss, and the pain that I felt. I was the puzzle that had been destroyed, and I had to piece myself back together. With God as the architect I built a stronger better Kirsten. A version of myself that was made for the things I was to face here. Kirsten 2.0 was made to have her heart break, have fear, terror, betrayal, anger, guilt, renewal, and joy. Kirsten 2.0 was made to feel, without shattering like stone, a.k.a. Kirsten 1.0. Version 2.0 had learned that strength does not come from denial of feeling, but comes from feeling. It takes strength to be open, vulnerable, and truthful. Kirsten 2.0 was made to be tested in India. India is not for the faint of heart. That same desire and need that I felt but was unable to fulfill was necessary for me to feel, so I could feel it again in the days before going, and being in India. It gave me the motivation and dedication to go and to stay.

Are you sad that it’s the end?
Yes. I can’t believe its over. But I’m ready to go. I still love India, but I love my family too. I want to be with them. I need them more than I need India. But I don’t look at this like it is the end. I’m not done learning from the things that happened here. India will continue to play an active part in life, despite not physically being here. My dream may have ended with my time in India, but the reality and its affects continue past the dream’s end.

Last week I was in Darjeeling and Kalimpong, two cities in the North of India. It was a fantastic trip, and a great last hurrah. Unfortunately, my lovely readers, will have to wait until I’m back in the states to read about that. For now, I must depart to my mosquito net for last time, to sleep before I start my long journey back to the states tomorrow. Thank you all for your support and for reading my blog while I have been here. I leave you now with the faces of India, the faces I will see in mind everyday, and remember how they changed my life.

Dog eating trash

Alexander, guard at cemetery, and "Christian Astrologer". Thats a good story.

Krishanayya and friend

See you states side.